I’m not sure why or who…but someone decided to portray step parents as evil people. I’ve been a step mother for over 13 years and I am anything but evil. Since my parents divorced and both remarried, I am somewhat experienced on both sides of the table. With this said, I think I’m quite knowledgeable about being an evil step mother.
First of all, you have to accept the fact that there is undeniable proof that you are not the first and only person your spouse has ever had sex with. Without children, you can put all the past behind you as you start your new life together…but children from previous relationships are a reminder that the ones before you do exist. Get over it. Most of us have a past and these are part of it.
These children are a financial burden. All children are a financial burden. Do not hate the fact that your spouse has a financial obligation eating a chunk of their income. Be GLAD that they are a loving parent who takes care of their child. It is a positive characteristic. Honestly, would you want to have children with this spouse if they didn’t?
Love the spouse, love the child. I love my husband, and I love this child who is part of him. I see my husband in this child. The way he looks, the way he acts, and even just in the way he laughs. Yes, he is half of someone else, but I’ll get into that.
Make the child’s other parent an important person in your life. Obviously, things didn’t work out with that person, but they are still the mother (or father) of someone who is a part of your life. You can spend a lifetime tearing each other down and saying nasty things to one another. Why? The only person you are really hurting is this kid. I’ve been that kid, and trust me, you are really only hurting the kid! Have I always agreed with my husband’s ex wife? Of course not. Have I always respected her as the mother of my step son? Absolutely! I never said anything in front of my step child to indicate that I didn’t like or disagreed with her. This is her child. This is my husband’s child. They can disagree about the raising of said child all they want. Those are their decisions to make. Part of having a step child means that your spouse will always have a relationship with the child’s parent. Realize this. Deal with this. Get over it.
I know my husband. He loves me. He does not want to be with his ex wife. He shows me that with love every day and for this reason, I am not, nor have I ever been, insecure about his ex wife. For this family and all of it’s disfunction to work, we all have to be on the same page. I recently saw an episode of teen mom where one of the star’s new wife and his ex wife were arguing. They were arguing because the ex wife felt she needed to be there for a discussion with her husband and his ex wife. Of course, if her husband hadn’t cheated on her with his ex wife, this probably wouldn’t be an issue. They were a mess. Communication people, communication!
I have found over the years that my husbands ex wife will never be my best friend, but she will be my friend. We are bound by the love of a man…not the husband…the child that we have raised. I say we because I helped. I am not his mother. I’ve never tried to be. He asked me once, when he was four, if he should call me “Mom”. I responded quickly, “I’d love to be your mom, but you have a mommy who loves you. That’s her name, you can call me Jeanie.” I meant that, and to this day, it has worked for all of us. He’s going to be an adult in less than a year, and i love this child the we have raised and though we may joke about me being the evil stepmother, I don’t think he considers me evil.
This won’t work for everyone. Some people are just that hard headed, but if you can do anything in your power to make life easier on your step child, then do it. That is how you show them that you love them. That is how you unconditional love them as your own.