Dear Young Me,
I should first apologize for the length of this letter but I have a lot to tell you. It’s been a long 33 years full of lots of mistakes…or as Bob Ross would say, happy little accidents. So, I’ll start out by speaking to you as an infant. Please stop getting pissed at the world and scratching your forehead. They ain’t lyin’..it will leave scars! With that said, I’ll move on. Speaking to the me in kindergarten, it is not cool that you are wearing pants with trucks on the back pockets. Those are hand me downs…from your brother. Stop showing them off as if they are the coolest thing ever…and don’t be so excited that the little boy sitting next to you has the exact same pair. In a few years, you will call him “The Smelly Kid”. Let’s face it, he did smell. Oh 6 year old me, stop complaining about the frilly pageant dress, you won’t dress up like that again until prom. Don’t worry seven year old me, your father’s friends don’t really think you are a boy. They just enjoy teasing you. It may help if you would learn to do things other girls do instead of being such a tomboy.
Dear eight year old me, glad you didn’t feel sad about the parents getting divorced. They should not have lasted this long. I should write them a letter, too. One that says don’t screw up your children fighting about them in your divorce. Oh poor nine year old me, when the teacher says you cannot go to the bathroom…disobey her. Go! Run! Otherwise, you will pee all over yourself and feel like you never live it down. It will haunt you until you are out of school. I may seem dramatic, but it really will cause you some trauma. You will hate fourth grade.
Dear 12 year old me, don’t be so upset about those boobs that won’t stop growing. Some day, you will see them as an asset instead of an embarrassment. It will be a while though. Dear 13 year old me, that 18 year old MAN is only calling you because any woman his age is smart enough to stay away from him. Thank your parents for calling quits to that one! (Sorry about the embarrassment!) Dear 14 year old me, no worries, you will find Mr. Right and that silly boy isn’t worth being sad about. He’s kinda ugly as an adult. Besides, when you grow up, he’s going to be in prison for robbing a gas station. #truestory Also dear 14 year old me, don’t feel bad about dumping that other boy and making him cry, cause if you could see the future, you would see he also goes to jail…for drugs. Dodged that bullet. Funny how you seem to attract the idiots. You actually date a few others who are rather forgetful. See eight year old me, you are not as ugly and boyish as you think.
Those teenage years are so brutal. You will find a nice guy to date and he will adore you. It’s really actually sad that he’s such a nice guy because you are kind of a bossy girlfriend. Nice guy or not, I wish you wouldn’t spend your high school years sticking with him because he is a nice guy. That love isn’t real love. Do both of you a favor, and dump him after the first year. You will carry a lot of guilt for breaking his heart after dating for three years. Good news, you will get over that six months later…when he marries someone else. Apparently he didn’t want to marry you, he just really wanted to get married. Last you heard though, they are happy people. This will bring you great joy because he really was a nice guy, just not the guy for you. FYI you do look like a princess on prom night, so take lots of pictures!
Now you will spend a lot of time with friends. You will work a lot of summer hours at a popular summer restaurant. You will shop a lot, clean out your car, hit the tanning bed, and even do some fishing. Enjoy this time. It isn’t that you do not have better things coming. It is because your life will enter a different chapter. You will be a mother and a wife. You will have bills and mandatory things that need cleaned or bathed. You will never have this kind of freedom again…at least not by the time you are my age.
Dear grown you, but still young you at 18, stop chasing a guy who doesn’t like you just because he doesn’t want to date you and it hurts your ego. You don’t even really like him and he’s kinda chubby. You are wayyyy too hot for him! He rarely calls and you jump when he does. He’s going to marry a really ugly girl and last I heard, they are very unhappy. #karma Do yourself a favor, don’t even spare that one a look back. Now, we should talk about drinking. You will drink an entire bottle of Wild Turkey one night and not remember a lot about it. That was silly. Stop there! Ok, so you don’t stop there. You will have a lot of fun, riding on top of cars screaming at the top of your lungs and such. You will have a lot of fun, but you will make mistakes. Good news, you learn from them. Also, you have some really funny stories for the nursing home.
Your brother’s ex-wife will become your best friend. This is fun because then you get to introduce yourself to her dates as her husband’s sister. Some of your life long friends are going to become people you don’t know. Sometimes as we grow up and some of us are married, some never married, some divorced..multiple times, kids, no kids…you are often in different places in your lives and it’s not a matter of not liking each other, it’s just that you may not be currently compatible. Of course, since it’s a small town, you might also notice some of your friends might have their marital troubles with half the men in the county. Good news, you like to stay clear of all drama.
Now you get to the hard part. The good part…but the hard part. You meet a man you fall in love with. He’s not perfect, and he requires a lot of work…A LOT! Stick with him, he’s a good man who had a rough childhood and wants the kind of life that you make together. He just has to work through some stuff first. I love that move Silver Linings Playbook. The guy has that scene where he says, “The only way you can beat my crazy was by doing something crazy yourself. Thank you. I love you. I knew it the minute I met you. I’m sorry it took so long for me to catch up. I just got stuck.” You will love that movie. You will see a lot of your husband in him.
You will marry the man who truly captures your heart. You will have four of the most beautiful children ever born. You will not feel lonely or unloved ever. You have a lot of work ahead of you. You will get your heart broken a few times, but it’s worth it! Good luck!
The Older, Busier, Exhausted, Plumper, Silver Stranded Version of You